Tag Archives: relationships

My Landslide of Grief

There are times when you suffer many losses during a short amount of time. Usually the losses are similar to the ones listed. Not often do you experience the death of significant people in a short amount of time. It does happen, but not often.

It is a series like this that people will state that they “haven’t recovered” from all those close deaths. You could meet someone ten years later and they will still mention this series of deaths that they were unable to get through. You realize that the pain is still causing them emotional distress. This mountain of grief is difficult to manage for any person. Ideally, they could process the loss of one person at a time until they have resolved a major portion of their overall grief. Most people won’t do this. They will continue to look at the entire group of losses and remain unable to recover emotionally.

We have stated many times that no event is intended to undo you. Each event is a lesson. You needed to learn a variety of things from one loss and then be prepared for any future losses. The culmination was meant to be lessons learned not a pile of grief added to the current pile.

I have experienced a lot of grief in the past three months. My family had to euthanize a guinea pig after struggling to heal him from a tumor removal. We made the decision to end his suffering but our grief was monumental. He was very much a part of the family.

Then I lost a dear aunt after a short illness. It was expected but still painful. We lost her sister only 1 year ago. So this is a good example of layering. Recently, our hamster died. We struggled to care for him but we could not save him from illness.

We have lost several community members in close procession. People I knew and people I knew of. Many younger than you would expect. We had one mother lose three sons within a year. One in his late 30’s from a medical problem, one in his late 20’s from an overdose and the most recent one in his early 30’s of an overdose.

Then, of those community members, I lost a male cousin who was only 55 to a massive heart attack. He was only 2 years older than me and this was completely unexpected. His brother is currently in the late stages of lung cancer and will die soon at the age of 53. So that will be two deaths in one family within a month. Both far too young.

We have lost nearly 10 people in our small reservation community in the past 3 months.  With 2 more quickly approaching death.

I’m at a loss for words. I haven’t posted for a while because of this mind-numbing trend. Perhaps I don’t yet embrace the lessons that were intended. Maybe I am not listening. Perhaps I don’t have an open-mind.

I work with many people who have lost someone. It is almost too numerous to mention. But what is our lesson? What do we need to learn as a community?

Two died of overdoses so this obviously speaks to drug awareness, prevention and intervention. Many died from complications of Diabetes. This is something that any native community deals with. The people who died of heart disease may also be attributed to Diabetes. Then two people died of cirrhosis. With lifelong alcohol abuse, their bodies shut down and they succumbed. We also have a higher rate of alcoholism so complications are common in our community.

No one remembers a time when we have suffered so many losses this close together. When I ask spirit, “why?” I get one word, “renewal.”  If you lived here, knew the members of this community and suffered this many losses close together, what does renewal mean? No one has found the answer, including me.

I will keep searching. My impression is that I don’t have enough distance from the pain yet. With some amount of healing I will listen and learn what renewal means and how this happens in my own community. I will hear more words from spirit and will resist shutting down in exasperation. I will find some solace and allow my heart to heal.

This is why I am here. I am a messenger but for now I don’t really know what the message is.

I have faith. I understand there are intended lessons. I understand that we are meant to be brought close together without any boundaries between us. We have all been touched by drug, alcohol, medical and accidental deaths. Some losses were expected and others were not. Sometimes death does not just touch the elderly.

There are times when a loss happens and you have time to find your faith and get through it. There are other times when losses happen so close together that coping simply means getting through one day at a time.

We will find out what renewal means and we will do it together. You may be able to place your finger on the truth now while I am still simply trying to manage. The messenger has some learning to do.

Sympathy and Empathy

People often ask how to be a better person? It is always a simple answer. If you look at the behavior, thinking and intentions of anyone you may see that they are basically positive or negative. This may be easier for you to decide about other people since you would tend to be objective. If you are asked about your own overall wellness and positivity, you would tend to split hairs, justify certain behavior and make excuses. You would be offended by someone’s quick assertions about you.

Basically, if you do good things and have a positive attitude, you are a good person. If you harm people intentionally, steal, lie, manipulate and live without sympathy/empathy for anyone, you are a bad person. Any action may be assessed in this manner. It is much like a judge in a court of law. This person will accept descriptions, facts, information and testimony then make a determination. This is also how the Universe decides what your energy vibration is. Just the facts.

What does your behavior say about you without any excuses or explanations?

This is a difficult way to look at you. In your current world you have a list of reasons and explanations for your behavior. You are depressed, you are reacting to something, you are getting back at someone, you are jealous, you have trauma in your past… There are so many layers for why you act, feel and behave in a certain way.

If you are happy, well-adjusted, flexible and self-determined you rarely act out against others. You may have thoughts of vengeance but why would you go through with it when everything is good in your life? Your own flexibility takes over and you move on to much more interesting and positive things. The people who seek vengeance and actively sabotage people in their lives usually have a lower vibration. They are dark. They see no benefit to responding to stress in a positive manner. They move from one conflict to another and try to get the better of anyone who they feel is in their way or have spoken out or acted out against them.

Their darkness varies. Some people are very dark and evil. Other people are grey, darker grey or intermittently dark. You have been in contact with truly evil people. They make you cringe and you go the other way ASAP. You get a creepy feeling and perhaps your skin feels like it is crawling. Some are described as having dead eyes. You see no emotion or feeling in their gaze. Or, they may look right through you.

What you may not actually know is where you are on the continuum of energy vibration. Are you mostly good or mostly bad? Making an assessment about your own behavior will be difficult because of your explanations and justifications. Make your best effort to decide where you stand on a scale of 1- 10.

Be honest and then go about raising your vibration. No excuses, explanations or justifications. Simply good behavior or bad behavior. Be a nice, supportive and friendly person. View your actions alone. You don’t get this yet, we know. Why would we negate all of your past experiences in reference to how you interact with the world today? Because you are an adult and you must overcome adversity and find goodness in yourself and others.

This is also how we answer the damnation question. If you are a higher vibration person, you cross over and dwell in the upper 5 levels of the Afterlife. Those who have a lower vibration cross over and find themselves in the lower 2 levels.

Why would you knowingly behave in ways where you may end up in the lower levels? The extensive list of questions about how to get away with as much as possible and still not go to Hell was eye opening. It seemed like a very childlike agenda. Can I cheat on my spouse if they deserve it? If my mom did not properly care for me as a child do I have to take care of her now that she is older and sickly? Is harming someone in the name of religion still wrong? Again, look at the action and not the backstory. Harming others, stealing money, lying, cheating, violence… is never OK. If you cannot get past what has occurred between you and the other person than the only thing you can do is walk away. Do no harm and seek no vengeance. This action will increase your vibration.

It is the acting out in harmful ways that lowers your vibration. It is best to not have the darker thoughts as well but the important thing is to not act upon them. Then, work on yourself every day to resist having the darker thoughts as well. Have you noticed that we did not take into account the layers of why, who and what? It is the thoughts and actions, not the backstory.

Enter the concepts of sympathy and empathy. These considerations are for others, not you. Rate your own actions according to how you influence or impair another. If you have no need for sympathy and empathy, then your path is much longer. If you are able to embrace your potential influence upon others, you are much closer to a resolution.

Meet all of your darker thinking and overcome them. Being an independent adult who is self-directed means that you are accountable for your thoughts and actions. You may have been seriously harmed yet God expects you to overcome and offer the Universe love and forgiveness. You are absolved for your sins as well. This is a global event. Everyone is eligible for absolution unless you are dark and treat others with dark thoughts, behaviors and actions.

It is very simple. There is no ambiguity. Your vibration determines your life experience and where you cross over to in the afterlife.

Star Crossed Lovers

There are many romance novels and fairy tales that give you the impression that there is one true love in your life and they are perfect and wonderful. This is far from true. What is perhaps more accurate is that you have a chart, that you wrote and you included some relationships from which to learn from. You have a specific set of goals for each of your relationships in life. This includes ALL relationships. Your parents, siblings, close and extended family… social circles, school mates, BFF’s… college/work peers, bosses, subordinates, landlords, neighbors… The list is extensive.

Having the objectivity to look at your relationships and realize their purpose, is something people rarely do. You usually tend to walk through life and manage the best you can. The popular thinking is that you are looking for the perfect partner. You may have let relationships pass by and you then wonder if they were that special someone and you didn’t realize it. You may spend some time looking back when in all actuality, please look forward. There is no going back. You passed that person by for a reason. It is your imagination that makes you think that you probably missed the relationship of a lifetime.

Refuse to waste any more time looking back. Look forward and make sure you known what you are looking for. You must be in relationships in order to discover what you appreciate and what you really don’t care for. Despite some obvious negative qualities, you have to discover your tastes by actually finding love. The first relationship is NOT your last. You will not find the perfect mate just because you believe you will. Life has more experiences in store for you.

It is much the same as finding your career. It may be something that you obviously appreciate and love to do or it may be something that presented itself to you as if by chance. It may be a summer job that really stuck with you and made you happy. Perhaps an internship that worked out well. Maybe the family business. It is a process, just like finding love.

You do not travel from A to Z without going through all of the letters. There is no purpose to this. All of your lessons are in the spaces in between. You adjust your preferences through experience. Finding Mr./Ms. Wonderful will happen if you charted it to happen.  If you charted that ‘one’ person, then you would have planned a few chances to meet and get to know them. They would appear a few times in your life so that even if you are being distracted or displeased, they will present again. No, this will not continue to go on. You will run out of chances. It is completely possible for you to miss your true love because you are holding out for something unreal or ideal.

You have developed a habit of seeking the same person over and over again. This is obviously not working but We tend to doubt that you realize this pattern that you have perpetuated. In all likelihood, you have a need for shame, doubt, fear or rejection due to some issues you have experienced. You find a cheater because you believe you don’t deserve someone who appreciates you or treats you with respect. Often, you dislike the “nice” person in favor of someone with more angst. Then this angst is directed at hurting you and leaving you holding the false blame of their dysfunction. Over and over. The “bad” boy or girl is trouble and you know it.

You may also want to meet your “mother” or “father.” This is fairly common and must be dealt with in order to become healthy and whole. In effect you are reliving your childhood and adulthood trying to get something right. This time trying to please or gain the respect of your parent. Or, you feel that someone just like your parent will love and support you BECAUSE they behave like your parent. Or, they feel “comfortable” because you are familiar with the way that they act. The problem is, this is your partner not your parent.

There are a variety of dysfunctional dynamics involved in your trying to find someone to fit your life perfectly. The truth is that it is a process. You find someone you enjoy as a friend or loved one and then you grow together. It may end up being someone who you didn’t expect.

Remember to avoid forcing someone to “fit.” A person who compliments you perfectly does not have to be just like you. Your relationship will have more depth if you support each other and grow into a more mature couple. The first few relationships are necessary. You will gain so much perspective and experience that you will be ready for that “perfect” someone instead of clinging to an ideal that does not exist.

How many of you are lonely? How many of you are in a bad relationship? There are some very nice people who may not exactly fit your expectations but you would grow to love them just the same. Their different preferences will actually expand your experiences. The only people you must avoid are the ones who will harm you, damage the good things in your life, disrespect you, leave you broke, isolate you and cause you physical/emotional pain. If you do find this troubled person, you must have enough self-respect to leave the situation and make better choices. If you have emotional problems that resulted from the life you have lived, get help, get healthy and then find healthy!

Start crossed lovers is more often the exception than the rule. Release your unrealistic expectations and gain some much-needed experience. A good relationship is something that develops between two people who love each other and want to grow together. It takes some work. It is all about nurturing, compromise and respecting each other as a whole person.

Don’t skip the lessons in between. That is where life is lived.

Healthy Love

1. Become emotionally healthy on your own. Seek counseling, read books, join a support group, journal, meditate, pray, be grounded…

2. Release your need for your love interest to fit some sort of ideal. Looking for the same qualities over and over again, have not worked.

3. Be friends first. Do not consummate the relationship until you have a good idea of who they really are. Being intimate too soon causes extra pain when you both realize that the other person is not who you made them out to be.

4. The “honeymoon” phase is NOT the time to make any commitments.

5. Be absolutely certain to NOT get pregnant. If either of you are in a hurry to have a baby. there is definitely something wrong. Starting a family should arise out of a long-term, love relationship that has already included some level of commitment.

6. Challenge each other to grow and expand your lives. If one or both of you are struggling to keep each other held down or limiting the other’s opportunities, this is NOT healthy. This is control.

7. Do not bring others into your conflict.

8. Do not expect someone to fit your unreasonable requirements. They must be wealthy and give me unlimited amounts of money. They must be physically fit and follow my exact diet. They must spend all of their time with me and get permission to be somewhere else without me. They must love my family and side with me against their own. They must treat my children as their own and resist any extra time spent with their own children. All of these rules are unhealthy AND unfair.

9. Accept all of their relationships just as you accept them. Do not intervene in any relationship that they already have established. You are manipulative if you find love and then go about making changes to their lives. If there is a truly damaging relationship, then the decision to distance themselves from that person is a joint decision, not your decision.

10. Trust them until they give you a reason to not trust them. If your last love was a cheater, that does not mean that this person will cheat as well. Or, if other partners have stolen money from you, this person is different until you find reason to think otherwise. This may be YOUR dysfunctional behavior by expecting trouble in the same ways throughout any of your relationships. Your insecurities may actually doom any hope of success with someone new.

11. Build trust one step at a time. Do not give someone the keys to your car, house and heart in the first week.

12. Recognize when someone in your life is sabotaging this relationship. Your partner may seem insecure but there may be some truth to their discomfort. Is your mother trying to turn you against them? Does your best friend not like them because they don’t see you as often? Does your father disapprove of their career? Be objective.

13. Keep your finances separate. There is no quicker way to find an abusive, controlling person then to give them access to your cash.

14. If they cheat, do not blame just the other person who they cheated with. This is irrational. Both parties cheated. There is a shared responsibility for the deception. If you fall into this mind trap then you are being played by your partner.

15. Take turns deciding what to do for fun, leisure, exercise… Do not force a person into your life. Always make concessions and compromise equally.

16. Ask some good questions  Once it begins to feel serious, discuss money, family commitments, illness, finances, children, retirement, housing, travel… If there are important issues that you are the polar opposite of each other, then you must decide how to proceed. Forcing someone to compromise is not healthy or respectful.

17. Make small changes until you each feel more comfortable.

18. Begin your financial discussions when you have made a commitment to each other. You may have to decide on savings, housing, large purchases, dividing bills, college tuition, pet care, elder care, any moves required for work…  This will decrease the shock of your financial expenditures by having an idea of what costs you will be facing together. Conflict over finances can end a relationship.

19. Never give up too much of yourself to make the other person happy. Know when you are no longer the person you want to be and make some changes. If there is no compromise, this is probably not a healthy relationship for you.

20. Build respect for your partner from your family, friends and other close loved ones. Please do not allow your partner to be chastised or disrespected when travelling in your circles. By allowing these conflicts, you are leaving your love to fend for themselves and this is not healthy or loving. You would not be happy in this same situation, so protect your partner as you would also expect to be protected.

When Love Isn’t Enough

There are people in our lives who harm us either by intention or without intent. Either way, it is still harm. How do we decide what to do? Do we speak to them and voice our feelings? Do we not say anything and just put up with it? Or, do we systematically push them further away from us?

This is a decision that each of us may only make for ourselves. We decide how people treat us. Some of us have underlying issues and we may keep the abusive person because we believe that we deserve to be disrespected.

Look at each situation. Decide how to proceed. Make adjustments to the relationship toward achieving that change. Some people are very close to us. We may not wish to cut off a relationship with a father or sister but may be more willing to distance ourselves from a co-worker.

List each person separately. Define each relationship such as how close they are to you and how severely they wound you. List the pros and cons of each relationship. Decide how best to proceed with each individual.

The close relationships are probably worth keeping. Make time to speak about how you feel and what you would like to change between you. Make sure to state how important it is the relationship change so that you no longer feel put-down or belittled.

The people who are not so close to you may be addressed by simply limiting the amount of time that you spend with them. Excuse yourself if you start to feel bad about what is being said or done. Always have an excuse ready to get out of those unhealthy interactions.

Those who you are not able to stay away from may be handled by simply letting go. Do not engage in harmful discussions and quickly dismiss what is being said or done with the intention of hurting you. Wrap it up and let it go. When you leave the encounter flush your being with White Light. Sing your own praises to yourself and get on with your day!

Some abusers will tire of not getting a sufficient reaction from you. They will lose interest if you do not react with sufficient upset. Hopefully they will limit their own contact with you because it does not feed their need to harm someone.

If the abuser is someone who you are in a romantic relationship with then are there are many more issues at work. There is a significant lack of self-esteem and perhaps overriding feelings of helplessness. In this case there are no quick fixes. Counseling would be a great idea to start. Beware that the abuser will likely react negatively to your seeking help. They may increase the stakes against you and make every effort to regain control over you again.

Do not look for a rescuer! There are people who look for abused individuals just so that they may intervene and save the abused partner. These people are just as enmeshed in abuse as the person who you are trying to escape. This is an unhealthy cycle. To ensure your successful recovery you need to seek an appropriate exit that places an emphasis upon your overall well-being.

This is a small sampling of instances. We will speak more about this is the near future. Just know that this is a start. Look objectively at the people in your life. Decide what you are willing to endure and what is truly unacceptable. Try your best to not be the victim in anyone’s dysfunction.

Once you view your relationships objectively, we will know where to take the next step. Look forward to healthy and uplifting relationships.

We will look more closely at your ability to want what is healthy and also who has alterior motives and darker needs.

Find love in every moment of every day,

Evelyn