Star Crossed Lovers

There are many romance novels and fairy tales that give you the impression that there is one true love in your life and they are perfect and wonderful. This is far from true. What is perhaps more accurate is that you have a chart, that you wrote and you included some relationships from which to learn from. You have a specific set of goals for each of your relationships in life. This includes ALL relationships. Your parents, siblings, close and extended family… social circles, school mates, BFF’s… college/work peers, bosses, subordinates, landlords, neighbors… The list is extensive.

Having the objectivity to look at your relationships and realize their purpose, is something people rarely do. You usually tend to walk through life and manage the best you can. The popular thinking is that you are looking for the perfect partner. You may have let relationships pass by and you then wonder if they were that special someone and you didn’t realize it. You may spend some time looking back when in all actuality, please look forward. There is no going back. You passed that person by for a reason. It is your imagination that makes you think that you probably missed the relationship of a lifetime.

Refuse to waste any more time looking back. Look forward and make sure you known what you are looking for. You must be in relationships in order to discover what you appreciate and what you really don’t care for. Despite some obvious negative qualities, you have to discover your tastes by actually finding love. The first relationship is NOT your last. You will not find the perfect mate just because you believe you will. Life has more experiences in store for you.

It is much the same as finding your career. It may be something that you obviously appreciate and love to do or it may be something that presented itself to you as if by chance. It may be a summer job that really stuck with you and made you happy. Perhaps an internship that worked out well. Maybe the family business. It is a process, just like finding love.

You do not travel from A to Z without going through all of the letters. There is no purpose to this. All of your lessons are in the spaces in between. You adjust your preferences through experience. Finding Mr./Ms. Wonderful will happen if you charted it to happen.  If you charted that ‘one’ person, then you would have planned a few chances to meet and get to know them. They would appear a few times in your life so that even if you are being distracted or displeased, they will present again. No, this will not continue to go on. You will run out of chances. It is completely possible for you to miss your true love because you are holding out for something unreal or ideal.

You have developed a habit of seeking the same person over and over again. This is obviously not working but We tend to doubt that you realize this pattern that you have perpetuated. In all likelihood, you have a need for shame, doubt, fear or rejection due to some issues you have experienced. You find a cheater because you believe you don’t deserve someone who appreciates you or treats you with respect. Often, you dislike the “nice” person in favor of someone with more angst. Then this angst is directed at hurting you and leaving you holding the false blame of their dysfunction. Over and over. The “bad” boy or girl is trouble and you know it.

You may also want to meet your “mother” or “father.” This is fairly common and must be dealt with in order to become healthy and whole. In effect you are reliving your childhood and adulthood trying to get something right. This time trying to please or gain the respect of your parent. Or, you feel that someone just like your parent will love and support you BECAUSE they behave like your parent. Or, they feel “comfortable” because you are familiar with the way that they act. The problem is, this is your partner not your parent.

There are a variety of dysfunctional dynamics involved in your trying to find someone to fit your life perfectly. The truth is that it is a process. You find someone you enjoy as a friend or loved one and then you grow together. It may end up being someone who you didn’t expect.

Remember to avoid forcing someone to “fit.” A person who compliments you perfectly does not have to be just like you. Your relationship will have more depth if you support each other and grow into a more mature couple. The first few relationships are necessary. You will gain so much perspective and experience that you will be ready for that “perfect” someone instead of clinging to an ideal that does not exist.

How many of you are lonely? How many of you are in a bad relationship? There are some very nice people who may not exactly fit your expectations but you would grow to love them just the same. Their different preferences will actually expand your experiences. The only people you must avoid are the ones who will harm you, damage the good things in your life, disrespect you, leave you broke, isolate you and cause you physical/emotional pain. If you do find this troubled person, you must have enough self-respect to leave the situation and make better choices. If you have emotional problems that resulted from the life you have lived, get help, get healthy and then find healthy!

Start crossed lovers is more often the exception than the rule. Release your unrealistic expectations and gain some much-needed experience. A good relationship is something that develops between two people who love each other and want to grow together. It takes some work. It is all about nurturing, compromise and respecting each other as a whole person.

Don’t skip the lessons in between. That is where life is lived.

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