LOVE is by far the most requested answers from spirit. Often people are so focused upon finding a partner that they don’t realize that they are not sending out the right messages or they are sabotaging their own quest for love. They seem all too ready to expect ‘love at first sight.’ This is rarely true and if you feel this when you meet someone you should run the other way because they are your abuser, just in different form.

Being familiar with this person is because you have already had too many painful lessons at their hands. This “new” person is merely stepping into the void that your last abuser has left. They are your father, mother, sibling, school bully, con man, criminal, stoner, drunk… that has battered you for far too long. Familiar is not a good thing when you are desperate for love.

The best step is to not be desperate. Relax and be yourself. Those old lessons that your last abuser or abusers taught you should not fit this new person. You were molded into how to speak, move, fight or lash out at outsiders by the previous user. These dysfunctional expectations should not function properly with an emotionally healthy partner. If you feel that you are stepping into the same footfalls then there is definitely something wrong.

Perhaps you don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship? You may be clingy, moody, insecure or have unreasonable expectations. The healthy partner will not blend with these behaviors. You will then lash out at this person because your normal appeasing behavior isn’t working for them. You think that something is wrong. You think back to your last user(s) and miss the feeling that you knew exactly how to placate them and move the relationship past any uncomfortable times. “What is wrong with this emotionally healthy person?” Nothing. You have learned how to survive with others who are dysfunctional and manipulative.

“It must be my fault.” That is what your user(s) have taught you. A healthy person knows how to communicate and be objective. Your insistence upon being the cause of all conflict seems as unnatural as it is untrue. Healthy relationships have good communication. There are no assumptions or blaming. Each person is able to accept some partial responsibility for any conflict and then work together to make things better.

Do words or facial expressions trigger your dysfunction? Do you unreasonably think that this person sounds like your mother and thus you respond with your impulsive, misunderstood child behavior? This person is not anyone who has come before. The more you cling to anyone, the more you encourage rejection. The words or phrases that hurt you before will come flooding back. He is not your father. She is not your abusive older sister. Do not force a healthy person into your normally drama filled life.

“I don’t know why I always pick the wrong person.” It is because you have not taken the steps to become healthy BEFORE finding love. You find a new dysfunctional partner to replace the one before. Getting healthy is not easy. It takes time. You may even need counseling so that YOU don’t repeat your same patterns that doom any relationship. You also need to be objective about your own behavior and this is nearly impossible for someone mired in conflict and blame.

Get healthy then look for healthy.

Being abused may be a sign that you did not properly heal from your previous relationship and you rushed into another one. Your discomfort represents the unnatural state of this new relationship. It probably is not on your path and you forced it into being. The conflict arises because it was born in emotions of the previous conflict. There is no hope of a good relationship because you cannot be alone. Anyone will do, but then it is truly not meant to be. Yes! That is why it feels so unnatural!

Then, once you have pushed this unhealthy relationship into being you expect it to work. It won’t. You even proceed to buy a house, start a family, change social circles, because you think that this is “the ONE.” This is actually just the closest person that you were able to corral when you spent a little bit of time alone. This doesn’t sound healthy does it?

It is ok to be alone. Find yourself and then find someone who is compatible. Take your time. Really enjoy this person and stop insisting that they fit into your dysfunctional pattern. You are repeating the same mistakes and then wonder why it doesn’t work!

Find healthy. Find some positive, proactive coping skills. Be happy and develop your interests and hobbies. Recognize those red flags that you mistakenly assumed were a dozen roses.

The “average” person that you brushed past is probably very nice and compatible. You were looking for a prince or princess and completely missed the person who could make you happy. You want to change someone and make them into your ideal love. This also is a relationship killer. Never expect to change anyone. The only person you can change is you and you either didn’t realize this or don’t want to do it.

Drop the idea of Mr. or Mrs. Wonderful. Find a friend and see if something more develops. The fairy tale is not real. If someone is too good to be true, RUN. Resist selling yourself into emotional slavery with someone who may be a sociopath is not positive or healthy. If you are lying to others about how perfect someone is you are most likely lying to yourself as well. You may have stopped looking for the equal partner and have been found clinging to someone who just happened to be there at the time. This is exactly why it isn’t working.

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